What do you think about my intro?

What do you think about my intro?Hey everybody! I am writing my final research paper on Child Obesity. Please feel free to comment and critic on my intro and thesis statement.


For the past twenty years, an epidemic of great proportions has been spreading throughout America. In today's rapid moving and technologically progressed society, fast food restaurants conquered every corner of a major street intersection, while television and computers found their way into every home, office, and classroom. Young children are born and raised in the culture where the definition of a healthy meal has been replaced with burger and fries, while watching TV, surfing the net, and playing video games have become top hobbies on every kid's list. Excess eating and lack of exercise are the primary causes of sedentary lifestyle both in children and teens. According to US Surgeon General, 15% of adolescence is considered overweight, tripling since 1980 (Evers). In order to stop this epidemic from spreading even farther, both parents and school officials need to work together to promote and utilize a plan for healthier meals, more physical involvement, and health literacy that will improve children's social and physiological mind set of a better and healthier lifestyle.

Jacob K
It actualy depends on how long the speech should be.
if its short 2-4 minute speech then i consider not writing down any statistics in the intro, but only later in the next paragrphs.

imo.

Lacie
I found a few minor things which distracted me a little. I would change it to this:

fast food restaurants [have] conquered...
while television and computers [have] found their way...
Young children are born and raised [in a] culture where...
has been replaced with [a] burger and fries..
[Excessive] eating and lack of...
[fifteen percent of today's adolescents are] considered overweight..
to stop this epidemic from spreading even [further], both...

Sorry, if it seems I corrected a lot. I hate when i ask for people to help me with papers and they don't offer any suggestions for improvement. Overall, I think it's great! If your paper sounds as good as your intro, you should be fine!

Add your own answer in the comments! Discover the facts about obesity , including its most common causes, the effects on health and steps you can take to lose weight.  Your Online Source for Credible Health Information.

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